======================== See also: http://virtualschool.edu/mon/Quotes/DaveBarry http://www.flatrock.org.nz/topics/flying/gliding_into_infamy.htm

This is an especially good time for you vacationers who plan to fly,
because the Reagan administration, as part of the same policy under
which it recently sold Yellowstone National Park to Wayne Newton, has
"deregulated" the airline industry. What this means for you, the
consumer, is that the airlines are no longer required to follow any
rules whatsoever. They can show snuff movies. They can charge for
oxygen. They can hire pilots right out of Vending Machine Refill
Person School. They can conserve fuel by ejecting husky passengers
over water. They can ram competing planes in mid-air. These
innovations have resulted in tremendous cost savings which have been
passed along to you, the consumer, in the form of flights with
amazingly low fares, such as $29. Of course, certain restrictions do
apply, the main one being that all these flights take you to Newark,
and you must pay thousands of dollars if you want to fly back out.
--- Dave Barry, "Iowa -- Land of Secure Vacations"
From: http://finance.messages.yahoo.com/bbs?.mm=FN&action=m&board=1600684464&tid=cald&sid=1600684464&mid=220967

"If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's
life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if
there is a man on base."
--- Dave Barry
From: http://finance.messages.yahoo.com/bbs?.mm=FN&action=m&board=1600684464&tid=cald&sid=1600684464&mid=220967

"You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look
that says, 'My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!'"
--- Dave Barry
From: Peter Kraneveld

The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender,
religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down
inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.
From: Mike Van Pelt

What happens if a big asteroid hits Earth? Judging from
realistic simulations involving a sledge hammer and a common
laboratory frog, we can assume it will be pretty bad.
From: Philip Hallstrom

Scientists tell us that the fastest animal on earth, with a top speed
of 120 ft/sec, is a cow that has been dropped from a helicopter.
From: John Switzer

"If you ask me, Larry, the Clinton Presidency has failed. What has
he done? Nothing!"
From: Darren S. Embry

"No matter how much you love your spouse, eventually the smooth,
unblemished surface of your relationship will be marred by a small
pimple of anger, which, if ignored, can grow into a major festering
zit of rage that will explode and spew forth a really disgusting
metaphor that I do not wish to pursue any further here."
From: travis jensen

USER, n.:
"The word computer professionals
use when they mean 'idiot'."
From: Ronald van Loon

Consider this: In the United States, an automobile is stolen
EVERY 14.7 SECONDS. If that statistic scares you, think how
we felt when we made it up.
From: Toby Martin

"My current computer, in addition to 'DOS,' has 'Windows,' which is another
invention of Bill Gates, designed as a security measure to thwart those
users who are somehow able to get past 'DOS.'"

Other quotes